Mama Needs a Cosmo

Are you ready for some good, clean fun?

Me neither.

I want you to bring your craziest, sexiest, raciest, scariest, and most downright sinister thoughts to the table.

Because it’s time for “You Blog the Blog.” (From here on out, I will refer to it as YBTB. I’ve got a thing for acronyms.)

What is YBTB?

It involves YOUR participation, so if you read this post, you have to leave a comment! (I won’t track you down and make you do it, but . . . it would be much more fun to get everyone involved!) I got the idea a couple of years ago from Stephanie at Adventures in Babywearing. But my version is a little more . . . geared toward conversation that happens AFTER the kids are in bed.

Here’s how it works:

I will ask, and then answer, my own question (to get the ball rolling). My question is “Question #1.”

Then, I will ask another question (Question #2).

The first commenter is responsible for replying to that question (Question #2). Then, he/she must then leave a question of his/her own (Question #3) for another commenter to answer.

If you don’t like the question that the previous commenter left, then come back later and see what comes down the comment line. Or feel free to ask, and then answer, your own question.

And don’t be shy. It’ s okay to comment more than once!

Click HERE to view the comment line over at Stephanie’s “Blog the Blog” if you are looking for questions to ask, or if you need a “visual” on how this works.

Now, don’t go all “If you found $10,000 in a vase you bought at a garage sale . . .?” on me. I want questions like, “If you got some serious dirt on a co-worker that has been bullying you, how would you use the information?” Or, “The new guy at the gym has taken an interest in you, but you’re married. Do you flirt anyway?”

Of course, I won’t mind if your questions are of the “family friendly” variety. I just wanted to spice things up a bit by adding the “risque” element.

Okay. Are you all ready? Follow me:

Where have . . .

So, I had this wickedly awesome week of partying planned. Posts were laid out, drinks were mixed, and Mama was going to show you all how to do the UBP right.

But something dramatic took place in my little world that completely derailed my UBP plans. In fact, I ended up having a really good cry about it last night. I’m not usually one to go all emo on people in the middle of an awesome party, but I’ve got a good reason. Here’s the background:

I’ve known my very best friend in the whole wide world for almost 23 years. During that time, we’ve seen each other through so much crap that it would make Jerry Springer salivate and Judge Judy blush. We’re the ones that taught Romy and Michele how to do a class reunion and showed Thelma and Louise a thing or two about loyalty. Safe to say that we’re “pretty tight.”

My BFF and I also share a common bond that plagues millions of women world-wide: We’ve tried successfully to conceive only to have the pregnancy end in a miscarriage. For me, it was twice. For her, it was four times. During that last pregnancy, she even got past a critical benchmark stage only to suffer disappointment yet again. She feared that she had waited too long to get pregnant and had almost conceded that bearing a child of her own more than likely wasn’t in her future.

Soon after that, she had something of a significant breakthrough and turned to me for advice. And when she comes to me for words of wisdom, she does it because she knows I’ll give it to her straight and tell her what’s right instead of what she wants to hear. So, needless to say the pressure was on.

She had just returned home from a doctor appointment at which the doctor had told her that, while her body had made a full recovery, he didn’t think she “was mentally ready to try again,” and went on to say that she should probably wait another month or two before even revisiting the topic. But, instead of letting the news throw her into a deep, depressed state, she decided to take it as a challenge.

She said to me, “I was like, ‘Who the hell does this guy think he is, telling me how I feel?’”

And I said, “Do YOU think you’re ready? Because the only one who can tell you that you’re ready is you. And if you think you’re ready, then tell your husband to come home early because you’ve got some business to tend to.”

“THANK you,” she replied, “because I think I’m ready. I just needed to hear it said out loud from someone that isn’t married to me.”

That was late June of last year.

Two months later, she confirmed her pregnancy with a blood test.

And everyone in our circle of friends and family have been holding our collective breaths ever since. Adding HER doctor appointment days to our calendars, and anxiously waiting for the results of each and every one of her exams. Hell, I even gained some sympathy weight.

When her due date came and went, I wondered if the kid was going to give his mom some trouble when her body decided it was time to kick him out. Having endured a “past the due-date” pregnancy myself, I knew that the chances of the baby being bigger than average increased dramatically with each day that goes beyond the 40-week mark. And I’ve got the scars to prove it.

I received word that she was admitted to the hospital at 1:15am Monday morning (Nearly a week overdue). So, I spent the entire day completely unfocused and pacing like a caged tiger since I wasn’t allowed in the room with her. (The rules were that only one other coach was allowed in the birthing room besides her husband, and, while I could totally take her mom in a street fight, she ultimately won the battle of the baby watch.) Her husband did his best to keep me in the loop, though, and I did my best to do some patient advocacy from my end.

At 9:00pm, I got a text from him that stated, “She’s fully dilated; 100% effaced. Not pushing yet, though.”

And I was like, “Holy-Mother-of-God-just-get-that-kid-OUT-because-if-anything-happens-to-her-or-that-baby-I’m-gonna-bust-some-serious-f-ing-heads.”

Then my phone went silent. For nearly TWO HOURS.

I was a total wreck. I got up, had a drink, tried to watch TV, tried to blog, and even tried to shop. And when Mama can’t find anything to buy online after a cocktail, you know something is seriously amiss.

My phone buzzed and lit up at 10:50pm.

“HE’S HERE! 9LBS 7OZ 22 INCHES LONG!”

“Jesus! She gave birth to a toddler!” I replied, fumbling through the message with shaking hands and increasingly loud sobs. “I wish I was there.” Then I put the phone back on its charger and went into a full-on no-breath-having cry-like-a 4-year-old meltdown. But in a good way.

Yesterday morning was filled with lots more texts . . . baby is good, mom is good, no name yet, when are you going to get here . . . and, after YEARS of waiting for the moment, I finally got to hold my best friend’s first baby. I didn’t put him down for nearly two hours, and it was only out of necessity, since the little dude had pooped.

When I was 18, I dated a guy with friends that were “homebodies.” They were 22 and 23, and never wanted to “go out.”

And I remember thinking that they were boring. So young, and such . . . old farts. Renting a movie or having folks over to play cards and drink beer were a big deal with these kids. I never understood it either, since I always thought that anyone over the age of 21 stayed out all night and partied until they had to change clothes and report to work.

Nearly 20 years later, I realize that they were SMART. Maybe they were barely getting by, and couldn’t spend the money needed to club hop. Talk about some massive self-control. Early twenty-somethings resisting the urge to blow their paychecks on a weekend’s worth of fun. Seriously. If I could have back all of the money I spent on alcohol and cover charges between the ages of 17 and 25, I could by the state of Colorado.

Now, I know I put on this fun front and make it appear that all I do after I get home from work is throw vodka in a shaker and run around the house scaring the hell out of my kids. And sometimes I do.

But there are times when I just want to relish my life without the fog of a cocktail clouding my mind. It happens.

So, what, you ask, do I do when I feel like having fun without the aid of an alcoholic beverage? Here’s just a few examples:

1.  Play “Dance Dance Revolution.” Naked.

2.  Upon finishing my shopping, touch the arm of the checkout clerk and say, “Tag. You’re it!”

3.  Look at my husband as if he’s a total stranger and say, “Stop grabbing my ass!” while in a crowded elevator.

I’m still exploring other ideas, but many of them do not fall in the “family friendly” category. And almost all of them are not legal. And I can’t go having anyone trying them out and going to jail and blaming me for their unfortunate demise. So, I’ll just keep them to myself.

I recently made the decision to kill off my “Fashion Paramedic” character, and re-brand to Mama Needs a Cosmo.

Since the journey did not go without a fair amount of questions, comments, and curiosities, I decided to share some of them with you, in no particular order:

Q: Why’d you change your name?

A: I didn’t. I just disposed of a “persona.” I’m still the same person, I’m just not writing under the name “Fashion Paramedic” anymore.

Q: Okay. So, who are you now?

A: I am, and always will be, Kathleen Lancaster (unless my husband decides otherwise).

I actually consider the time I spent using the name “Fashion Paramedic” to gain internet notoriety as somewhat of a “John Cougar” phase. I’ve since moved on to enjoying my “John Cougar Mellencamp/John Mellencamp” phases via the “Mama Needs a Cosmo” blog. It’s possible that I may change my blog name again, a-la “Mellencamp,” and then you all can just call me “Mama.” My kids have been calling me that for years.

Q: So, why “Mama Needs a Cosmo”?

A: Because “Mama Needs a Cocktail” was taken. So I resorted to being more specific. I could have gone with “Mama Needs a Drink,” but I thought that sounded a little . . . universal. And I couldn’t have people thinking that I drank things like, for example, water.

Q: You seem to talk about alcohol consumption frequently. Has it ever become, you know, an “issue”?

A: Just lately. Our budget has become a little tight and I had to trade off buying diapers for my toddler to fund my Grey Goose habit. And the paper towels don’t seem to be working.

Q: What kind of parent does this make you?

A: I’m not exactly sure what you’re referring to when you say “this,” but I am sure that my consumption of alcohol can only enhance my already-animated parenting skills. I mean, it takes a certain kind of talent to think of using the cargo compartment of a baby stroller to transport drinks into a movie theater, you know? And nobody even questioned the fact that there was NO BABY in the stroller.

Q: Where’d you learn how to party?

A: Believe it or not, from my Mom. I’ve got pictures of her in a Cancun bar, at age 67, being leaned back in a wooden chair and having tequila poured down her throat by a guy dressed up as Zorro. She also taught me this poem when I was younger:

I’m not under the alcafluence of incahol
Like some thinkle peep I am
I’ve just had tee many martoonies
And the drunker I sit here
The longer I get.

Mama loves herself a Cosmo.

I’m quite particular about how I like mine to taste, though, so I developed my own variation of the classic recipe by removing any use of lemon or lime juice. My usual methodology is to make a double batch and pour the whole thing into a 16 oz beer glass. I mean, why waste time sipping such a delicious and tasty beverage out of a container no bigger than the largest cup in pretend play tea set when I can swig it out of a glass made to provoke chugging?

Anyhoo, as promised in my UBP Party Post, I’ve compiled a list of TWENTY different ways to make a Cosmo. Hopefully, you’ll find one (or two, or twelve . . . ) that you like and enjoy it (them) tonight.

Time to get your drink on, Mamas!

*****

“Mama’s Little Helper” Cosmo (My variation of the classic)

2.5 oz Citron vodka
½ oz Cointreau
½ cup Pomegranate/Cranberry blend juice

Pour ingredients into a shaker filled with ice. Shake well. Drink from shaker. (I’ve changed my mind. Why even dirty another glass? I don’t have that kind of time. Call it a decision based on promoting “efficiency.”)

The Classic “Original Cosmopolitan Martini”

½ oz Cointreau
1 oz Vodka
Juice of ½ lime
1 splash Cranberry juice

Pour all ingredients into mixing glass half-filled with ice. Shake and strain into a chilled martini glass. Enjoy!

Amor de Cosmos

1 ½ oz Canadian whiskey
1 tbsp Grenadine
1 oz Cranberry juice
1 splash Ginger ale (Canada Dry)
1 splash Club soda
1 Maraschino cherry

Mix whiskey, grenadine, and cranberry juice with ice and strain into a cocktail glass. Add splashes of ginger ale and club soda. Finish with maraschino cherry. Enjoy!

Barbados Cosmopolitan

2 oz Mount Gay Rum
½ oz Cointreau
1 oz Cranberry juice
½ oz Fresh lemon or Lime juice
Slice of lemon

Shake liquid ingredients in shaker filled with ice. Pour into chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with slice of lemon. Enjoy!

Blue Cosmopolitan

2 oz Absolut Citron
1 oz Blue Curacao
½ oz Grapefruit juice
½ oz Sugar syrup (A.K.A. “Simple Syrup”)
Sugar
1 Maraschino cherry

Frost the rim of a chilled cocktail glass with sugar. Stir Absolut citron, blue curacao, grapefruit juice, and sugar syrup in a mixing glass with ice to prevent cloudiness. Strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with maraschino cherry. Enjoy!

Bombay Cosmo

½ oz Cointreau
2 oz Cranberry juice
1 oz Bombay gin
1 tsp Fresh lime juice

Pour gin, Cointreau, and juices into a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake well and strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with lemon twist. Enjoy!

Blood Orange Cosmo

1 ½ oz Stoli Ohranj vodka
½ oz Triple Sec
¼ oz Fresh lime juice
¼ oz Blood orange juice
1 splash Cranberry juice

Shake ingredients well with ice and strain into a chilled martini glass. Garnish with a slice of orange. Enjoy!

Concord Cosmopolitan

2 ½ oz Ciroc vodka
1 oz Cointreau
4 oz Concord grape juice

Pour ingredients into shaker with ice. Shake well. Strain into a chilled martini glass. Enjoy!

Cosmo Katie

2 oz Absolut Kurant
1 oz Grand Mariner
1 splash Lime juice
1 splash Cranberry juice
1 Maraschino cherry

Chill cocktail glass. Pour ingredients and ice into mixer and shake well. Serve straight up with a cherry. Enjoy!

“Cosmopolitan #1”

1 oz Vodka
½ oz Triple Sec
½ oz Rose’s Sweetened Lime Juice
½ oz Cranberry juice
Lime wedge

Shake liquid ingredients like hell in a shaker with ice. Place the wedge on the rim of a Martini glass. Pour mix into the glass, up. Enjoy!

“Cosmopolitan #2”

1 ¼ oz Absolut Citron
¼ oz Lime juice
¼ oz Triple Sec or Cointreau
¼ cup Cranberry juice

Combine all ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Quickly shake and pour into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a lime twist. Enjoy!

“Cosmopolitan #3”

1 oz Stoli vodka
1 oz Cointreau
Small dash Cranberry juice
Small dash Lime juice

Stir ingredients on ice and strain into martini glass. Enjoy!

Cosmoquila

2 oz Casa Noble Gold tequila (or Crystal)
1 oz Cointreau
½ oz Lime juice
1 splash Cranberry juice

Shake all ingredients with ice and strain into a martini glass. Enjoy!

Cosmos

2 oz Light rum
1 oz Lime juice
1 tsp Superfine sugar

In a shaker half-filled with crushed ice, combine all of the ingredients. Shake well. Strain into a cocktail glass. Enjoy!

French Cosmopolitan (Oui! Oui! This is one of my favorites!)

1 oz Absolut Citron
½ oz Grand Mariner
½ oz Sweet and Sour
½ oz Cranberry juice
¼ oz Lime juice
1 drop Grenadine

Put the first 5 ingredients (excluding grenadine) into a shaker. Shake well, and strain into a chilled, large martini glass. Last, slowly pour one drop of Grenadine into middle of glass and let it fall to bottom – coloring the stem red. Garnish with lime. Enjoy!

Lianna’s Cosmopolitan

2 oz Vodka
1 tsp Triple Sec
2 oz Sweet and Sour
1 ½ oz Grenadine syrup
1 Maraschino cherry

Place liquid ingredients into shaker and shake vigorously. Strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with Maraschino cherry. Enjoy!

Superb Cosmopolitan

1 ¼ oz Ketel One vodka
½ oz Cointreau
¼ oz Fresh lime juice
4 splashes Cranberry juice
Float ½ oz Chambord raspberry liqueur
Twist of lemon peel

Stir the first four ingredients with ice. Strain into a frosted cocktail glass. Float Chambord on top. Finish with twist of lemon. Enjoy!

Ultimate Cosmopolitan (Another one of “Mama’s” Favorites!)

4 oz Vodka
1 oz Triple Sec
1 oz Peach Schnapps
6 oz Cranberry juice
1 oz Fresh lemon juice
1 tbsp Fresh lime juice

Pour ingredients into a shaker with ice. Cover and “roll” the shaker around gently for 30 seconds. Don’t shake the cocktail, or the Cosmo will froth. Strain into a chilled martini glass to serve.

White Cosmopolitan

2 oz Citrus vodka
4 oz White cranberry juice (Ocean Spray)
1 oz Fresh lime juice
1 oz Sugar syrup

Shake with ice and strain into a cocktail glass. Enjoy!

White Cosmopolitan #2

1 oz Silver tequila
½ oz Triple Sec
2 ½ oz White raspberry juice
Squeeze of lime

Pour all ingredients into shaker with ice. Shake vigorously. Strain into chilled martini glass. Garnish with a lime wheel. Enjoy!

Cosmo recipes provided by the following:

About.com (http://about.com/)
AllRecipes.com (http://allrecipes.com/)
Celebrations.com (http://celebrations.com/)
Chow.com (http://chow.com/)
Drink With Jim (http://drinkwithjim.com/)
iDrink.com (http://idrink.com)
Drinks Mixer (http://drinksmixer.com)