Mama Needs a Cosmo

Okay, so you all know that I can have a bit of a potty mouth sometimes: I drop an f-bomb here and there, and use the “s” word a little more than I’d like to admit. (But can someone tell me if “ass” even a bad word anymore?)

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that I’m not what most would consider an offensive person. Like I said before, the language I chose for a few of my posts has been somewhat improper, but could never be considered offensive. Most of the time, what I do here is share information in a way that grabs your attention. I’m not looking for shock value – just for you to go, “Wha … wait a minute … what did she just say?” And maybe even sprinkle in some humor so the information can be digested a little easier. (Think “spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.”)

Again, I’m just SHARING INFORMATION. I have never lied to you, misled you, or posted something that wasn’t 100% mine (unless otherwise noted).

That being said, I would like to share with you a rather fascinating morsel of an email that I received earlier this week. Fellow readers, I give you the words of Ms. Jane Doe:

From: [Name Omitted Because I Think It Was Fake]
Sent: Sunday, April 11, 2010 11:49 PM
To: Kathleen Lancaster
Subject: Your Mama Blog

It must really be hard for you to live with yourself after writing all these lies about Cookie Lee. I mean after all its because you are a failure that you have to have a website dedicated to posting negative things about Cookie Lee and it’s consultants right? Just because you couldn’t cut it at the easiest job in the world doesn’t mean you should go telling everyone that direct sales “is so hard” and to be careful of what consultants say because they’re all lying so that they can get you to sign up or do a show.

When you look back at how you failed did you ever think it was because of YOU and not the business? I too work a full time job and have small kids and am managing to make the extra income my family needs to take trips we could never afford and then some. I don’t know what you did wrong but I know that you’re a total c-nt for saying the things you’ve said about Cookie Lee on your website. Think of all the people that could be enriching their lives right now and growing their incomes with Cookie Lee but are saying no because you told them too? My friend Christine said just last week a girl she had been coaching to be a consultant for almost a year told her no because of what she read on your blog. I’m surprised that Corporate hasn’t shut you down or had you arrested.

If you have any conscience left, you should take down your website and beg God for forgiveness for the things you’ve done. Your ruining others lives because you are a big fat failure and I can say that because I’ve seen you. When someone reads your website and tells a consultant no, they won’t sign up to do a show or become a consultant it is taking food off of our tables. Maybe you should spend some of the time you are using to spread negativity and apologize to the company that gives its consultants so much and maybe even get to know God. Maybe then you’ll see what you’ve done and apologize for fucking with our livelihoods.

[Name omitted once more, but only because if I see it again I might have to throw a brick at my computer.]

*SIGH*

Okay, Jane Doe. Let’s get a few things straight.

First of all, I have not ever spread lies about Cookie Lee. Everything I’ve written here has either been MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE or information sent to me and then passed on to my readers. If it was not my own personal experience, I always said so.

Second, I am NOT a failure. I only failed at direct sales/multi-level marketing. Just like 95% of the other individuals who join. So, if multi-level marketing is “the easiest job in the world,” why do 95% of those who try it fail? I’ve never found that answer, but what I DID find were the tools I needed to get the message out to those 95% that they weren’t alone, and chose to write about it.

In fact, without “My Mama Blog” and my desire to share with the world MY TRUTH and MY EXPERIENCES, hundreds (and I mean HUNDREDS) of women may have made the same mistakes that I did. And I know that to be true, because I could copy and paste the text of all the emails and comments I’ve received from potential consultants and their husbands THANKING ME for setting up shop in my little corner of the internet, and planting that small seed of doubt when NO ONE ELSE WANTED TO.

That’s right, Jane Doe. I’m a one-girl show. I don’t have the awesome set up that other sites have (like this one, which is a favorite of mine) – I don’t have links that explain how to get your money back (BECAUSE IF YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF COOKIE LEE, YOU CAN SEND YOUR JEWELRY BACK FOR A REFUND), nor do I have a running total of how much product was returned to Cookie Lee after I advised women to do so. And I would SO LOVE TO HAVE a fully functional forum set up so that former Cookie Lee consultants who got out of the business can support each other gracefully with words of encouragement. But I don’t. And it sickens me that I can’t provide that for the women who desperately need it.

Oh, and there is a HUGE need for peer-to-peer encouragement with these women. And it’s mostly because of people like you. If I were a consultant in your unit, do you think that I’d want to talk to you about leaving? Did you even READ what you wrote me before you clicked “send”? I bet you’re one of those, “And, please . . . if you have ANY questions or concerns, my phone is always on . . .” types of people. The kind of person who has to order two entrees for dinner – one for each face.

I didn’t have the stomach to stay with Cookie Lee. I couldn’t look at my reflection without shuttering at the woman I’d become – which was a roommate to the man who changed my life and a stranger to the kids that I tried so hard to conceive. Add it up, Jane Doe. How much time are you spending away from your family? You say you have a full time job AND the extra time to earn additional income your family needs for vacations you couldn’t afford before. So, who’s cooking dinner while you shut your office door to plow through your “Power Hour”? What events or milestones or “firsts” did you miss so you could get that extra show in this week? And was it worth it? Because I can tell you, my son would rather I play Wii and read with him every day and teach him how to use my camera than be gone most of the time. When I asked him if he had fun after a weekend out of town, and mentioned to him that we got to go where we went because I had worked extra hours, he said, “Is that why you never picked me up after school?” My heart BROKE.

And what are you spending, Jane Doe? How much money are you spending on hostess and downline gifts? Or on the inventory it takes to put on a show? On the invitations and postage and mileage and catalogs and jewelry trays and convention trips and the website and the office expenses? What are you REALLY making, after you deduct the cost of doing business from that popular “50% profit”? I know I’ve called out Cookie Lee consultants before to share their Schedule C with me, but even THAT isn’t necessary anymore, as the person who wrote THIS ARTICLE proved – all you need are the numbers. I used to share my Schedule C with my downline when they asked, because I wasn’t about to dupe them into thinking it was easy or cheap to be a Unit Manager trying to climb to Director.

Speaking of climbing – the number of people who find me on my little blog by Googling “Cookie Lee Complaints” are growing rapidly. Don’t believe me? Click here to see how they got here and where they came from. Some as far away as RWANDA! I didn’t even know there was a need for jewelry in Rwanda! But I do know that whoever came here looking for something about Cookie Lee must’ve gotten an eyeful.

What’s going on at Cookie Lee right now, anyway? I’ve not ever received so many inquiries before. Is there a big push for more shows? To buy more jewelry? Does your Director have you doing those “My-unit-is-having-a-contest-to-see-who-can-book-the-most-parties-during-our-meeting-and-I-just-need-one-more-show-to-win” calling exercises? Do you know what happens when you make those calls? The women on the other end Google “Cookie Lee Jewelry” and they get ME (and, at last check my picture as well!). And MY TRUTH. And I’m not about to feel bad about “fucking with your livelihoods” because I have a real problem with people making money on the backs of those who struggle just to make ends meet.

Oh! And before I forget, I wanted to address your dragging God into your rant.

I don’t need someone who hides behind the Bible while spewing obscenities to help me reinforce my relationship with God. And I personally find it offensive that you would ever bring it up after calling me such a deplorable name. I also just read HERE that He said, “my people perish for the lack of knowledge.” And it is the knowledge about the “flip side” of Cookie Lee (and direct sales in general) with which I am arming hundreds upon hundreds of women and men every month.

I know you wanted to offend and hurt me with your malicious words. What you don’t know about me – woman whose name I chose to omit because I don’t know if you’re a real consultant or someone at corporate trying to piss me off – is that the only person in this world that has the power to make me feel anything is ME. Nobody pisses me off. Ever. What drives my feelings is my emotional response to others’ actions. And I’m not about to let anyone else at Cookie Lee get one more drop of emotion out of me.

So, Jane Doe, you didn’t hurt my feelings in any way, shape, or form. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve ever been called a “c-nt.”

However, your decision to grasp at shock value AND THEN HIDE BEHIND GOD while doing so is downright repulsive. If anyone should feel remorseful and repentant, it’s YOU. Don’t you think that God has more important things to think about right now than a woman with a blog and a direct sales company?

Shame on you.

The cure for acne is in there somewhere . . .

I’d very much like to take some time and thank everyone who wrote in regarding my Mary Kay Lady post. The comments were uplifting and the feedback was amazing.

One thing I have to smack myself up about is the fact that I have a tendency to write as if you all CAN READ MY MIND. You can’t. And I know this. But sometimes I click the “publish” button a bit too early, especially when I’m angry.

I say this because I forgot to mention in my Mary Kay Lady post that I have spent some time reading through a few of the acne forums I’ve found on various medical websites. And to say the least, what I’ve read is troubling.

Grown men and women of various ages and professions discuss openly how they feel about themselves, their doctors, and the support (or lack thereof) they receive from their families and/or friends. Some of it is inspiring, but much of it is just plain dreadful and leaves me with a heavy heart. Can you imagine contemplating suicide because you’ve tried everything for your acne and nothing seems to work and your breakouts are so horribly painful that you CAN’T EVEN BRUSH YOUR TEETH? Me either. My situation is NOTHING compared to what some of these people are going through.

I should have added that to my Mary Kay Lady post. But I didn’t, and I apologize for that. Because there are a few folks who sent me emails who think that there are bigger and more serious issues to complain about or throw my support behind than acne.

And I get that. I get that acne isn’t terminal. Acne doesn’t cause earthquakes that kill people, nor does it cause non-operable brain tumors.

However, it DOES make people wish they were dead. And that’s wrong.

Approaching someone at the mall and telling them that you can help them with their acne is just plain tacky, especially if you are NOT A MEDICAL OR DERMALOGICAL PROFESSIONAL. It’s also inappropriate. And wrong. And I did something about it.

Someone very close to me stated that I should have just told the Mary Kay Lady that what she was doing was inappropriate and should have moved on. But I just couldn’t do that. Mostly because I tend to put my bitch on quickly instead of taking the high road. This time, though, I needed to stand up for myself because I was in the presence of my children. Here is how I responded to my friend:

As far as the Mary Kay lady goes, I still believe she needed to hear what I had to say. If I had said to her, “You know, what you’re doing is totally tacky and if you keep doing it you’re going to eventually approach a woman who isn’t afraid to give you a black eye,” she wouldn’t have gotten it, and then she would have just gone on to the next person and the next person until sooner or later someone punched her in the face. I punched her in the face without punching her in the face. MK consultants are a different breed. They are taught NOT to hear “no.” And they are taught to keep pushing and pushing and pushing until you eventually say yes. Do you know that one time at a collaborative show (with different consultants from different businesses all selling their stuff), I told an MK consultant that I didn’t like a product, and her first response was to ask me if I “had used it correctly”?! It was EYE SHADOW. How do you not use EYE SHADOW correctly? So I said, “I didn’t like how it creased after two hours,” and she said, “Did you try using our eyelid base prep?” And it could have gone on and on. They have a response or script for EVERYTHING. Going up to a total stranger at a mall and tactlessly approaching them about a sensitive issue is WRONG, and she needed to hear that. There are better opening lines than, “I’ve got something that can help with that problem you’ve got going on right there.” But it’s not for me to teach her leadership skills and tact. Most would consider using common sense, but MK consultants lack common sense, so that’s what her upline is for, and that was why I brought up her director. I guess being disenfranchised by direct sales has made me abrasive to the industry. MY common sense lesson revolves around how I appeared to my boys. I didn’t like that they saw me like that. But the more I think about it, the more I don’t regret saying what I said. The boys WILL have to stand up for themselves some day, and that’s what their Mom did. I didn’t totally lose control; I didn’t get in her face or scream at her – I just made sure she heard me. When I said, “Are you out of your friggin mind,” I wanted to be sure I got her attention. A few people looked our way, but for the most part people kept going along without so much as a 2nd glance. The only audience we had were two girls selling curling irons at the kiosk next to us and the boys. Jake referred to me “being mean” because he recognized my tone and the look on my face. I never said anything derogatory. I delivered a message. And I’m sure she’ll remember it for a very long time. You’re right – I am confrontational, probably because I can’t STAND walking away from whatever it is I’m walking away from and then five minutes later wish I’d said something. I HAD to say something because she lacked any knowledge of how people with acne feel. I stuck up for myself because there are people who would have let her go on with her schpeel while totally dying inside. People who have been to the doctor over and over and have tried EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN (perhaps INCLUDING Mary Kay) and nothing seems to work but still manage to leave the house every day because they have to. You should read some of the forums that I’ve visited about acne. I suppose I should have written about what I’ve read, and I did touch on how acne makes me feel personally, but did you know that there are GROWN MEN AND WOMEN contemplating suicide because of what their skin looks like? Reading about them makes me feel like my “problem” isn’t all that bad. But what if I WERE contemplating that, and this MK consultant had approached me? What then? Hopefully I prevented that from ever happening.

So that’s where I stand. I have no regrets about how I responded, and neither should anyone else who gets approached by one of these Pink Zealots. What pisses me off even more is the fact that I LOVE SOME OF MARY KAY’S PRODUCTS. I do. I use their wrinkle cream, and I just finished telling someone that their Medium Coverage Foundation has always done me proud. It’s never made me break out, the coverage is awesome, and it doesn’t leave my skin oily. Why can’t I just buy it at CVS? Until then, I’ll just buy it from someone trying to dump their inventory on eBay or Craigslist.

Okay . . . this was part II of my prelude. I will eventually get to my real post about my doctor and what she prescribed and how it’s working and what it’s doing to my body. But first, I need to write about something funny. I haven’t brought the funny in a while.

There's something in this bag that can help your pesky little skin conditions. But only if you let a rabid Mary Kay consultant clothes-line you and punch you in the stomach first.

There are so many words that can describe my recent experience with a Mary Kay consultant that I actually can’t narrow it down to a reasonable number, so I shall combine a few of the adjectives into one word: CLUIDIOSHAMUPILESS.

Which is clueless, idiot, shameful, and stupid all rolled into one.

**********

For most of my life, I’ve enjoyed having a pretty decent complexion. I’d have a breakout here and there, and then maybe once in a while a “tu-MAH” would appear and take over my life for about two weeks.

And that would be it.

Lately, however, I’ve been dealing with horrible breakouts (whiteheads and tu-MAHS) on my chin. When one side clears up, the other side flares up. And vice versa. Oh — and let’s not get into the bright red ones that have begun to appear on my forehead and chin.

And it’s not like I enjoy this. NO ONE enjoys acne. Unless they’re just plain psychotic.

But I have to go on with my life, so I’ve been trying different products in the quest to beat this shit. And then I try to cover it up. Which is an exercise in futility because seriously, DO YOU THINK NO ONE CAN SEE A CLUSTER OF CYSTS UNDER TWO INCHES OF AMAZING CONCEALER? REALLY?

Ugh. I hate my face.

Which brings us to February 13.

I had taken the boys to the mall to pick up the LOML’s Valentine’s Day gifts. And all had been going pretty well until I was accosted by a woman wearing a red jacket.

I expect this of the Kiosk Carnies that have taken over the common areas of any mall. I have plans of action for these folks, and can usually manage a trip to the Galleria without ever having to talk to any of them.

This woman, however, totally caught me off guard.

“You know,” she said, “I’ve got something that can help the problem you’ve got going on right there,” making a circular motion with her index finger around her chin area.

Uh. Muh. GAWHHH.

Trying to keep my composure because the boys were with me, and trying to believe she didn’t say what she said, I responded with, “Problem?”

“You knowww . . . [leaning in closer and whispering] the aac-nee thing . . .”

And for a minute I had an out of body experience, and during that out of body experience I visualized punching this woman in the stomach and then kneeing her in the face as she doubled over in pain from me punching her in the stomach. Which is EXACTLY how she was able to make me feel.

That doesn’t happen very often, because I’ve been quite successful in letting people know that NO ONE has the power to MAKE ME FEEL ANYTHING except for me.

Bosses or co-workers or asshole ex-boyfriends don’t make me cry. *I’M* the one who makes me cry.

The LOML or my Mom or the 10 o’clock news doesn’t make me cry. *I’M* the one who makes me cry.

But somehow this bitch was able to get into my psyche. Because for the first time in all of my 37 years, I actually can’t stand the way I look, and it has brought my self esteem to an all-time low. I hate my complexion. Sometimes to the point where I wish I didn’t have to leave the house. I’ve never been in this boat before, and it’s making me seasick.

And what REALLY PISSED ME OFF was the realization that she was a Mary Kay consultant (What level is the Red Jacket, anyway?). If it had been ANYONE else. And I mean ANYONE (my dad, the lady at the Clinique counter, a mall cop — anyone), it wouldn’t have affected me as much.

In fact, I probably could have even handled some big, tan, buff dude scream at me, “Hey! Fat lady! I’ve got something that can help you with that obesity thing you’ve got going on over there!”

Because isn’t there supposed to be some unwritten/unspoken code that states, “Thou shalt not go there” when it comes to acne? Isn’t that one on a very short list of things that you don’t talk to complete strangers about? Or is that just me being naive?

Anyway, because I knew that this woman had either — (a), been told that it was okay to approach women this way and had more than likely practiced a prepared script in her car for 30 minutes before walking into the mall or (b), was so far in Mary Kay debt that she would say anything to anyone to get them to buy something — I reacted in a way that made me come almost completely unglued.

“Almost,” because I had the boys with me.

Seriously. HOW could anyone be so dreadfully tactless? ESPECIALLY in front of children?

So, I (literally) unclenched and reclenched my fists, rolled my head around on my neck to loosen the tension, and said (quite loudly), “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRIGGIN’ MIND?”

Surprised by my response, she gave me the puppy dog head-tilt, furrowed her eyebrows, and said, “I’m sorry? . . . ”

“You SHOULD be! Did your Director tell you it was okay to ambush people with acne in order to make a few bucks?”

To which she blinked hard and snapped her head back, as if surprised by my knowledge of how direct sales uplines worked.

Not letting her answer, I continued, “Do you think wearing that name tag makes you a medical professional? Or a Dermatologist? Because the only people qualified to tell me that ‘they’ve got something to help this problem I’ve got going on right here’ is a certified, medical professional. Are you credentialed?”

“Well, no, but . . .”

“Or do you think that I ENJOY having to BE FORCED to have this conversation with a complete stranger, who has NO FRIGGING IDEA what I have or have not tried and what has or what hasn’t worked for me in the past or what’s exactly CAUSING this crap to come up to the surface of my face?”

“I didn’t . . .”

“And if YOU had acne, would you think it okay for a complete stranger to stand in your path at the mall and tell you that she’s got a product that could help her?”

“Well, if you’d let me talk, I could tell you that I would LOVE to hear what anyone said if I thought it would help. I was just trying to help.”

Shaking my head in disgust, I said, “Wow. You people really ARE delusional, especially for thinking it’s okay to prey on women who you KNOW are feeling low. I knew that some of you had no moral compass, but this . . . this is beyond unacceptable, and I hope that the next person you try this with rips you an even bigger one that I just did. What you’re doing is NOT okay, and you should be ashamed of yourself.”

Then I grabbed Jake by the hand and nearly ran over her foot with the oversized race car stroller I’d rented for Benny.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, I broke down and cried.

I cried after I walked away.

I cried on the way home.

And I cried in the bathroom after I got home.

God, I hate my face.

To make matters worse, Jake kept asking me, “Why are you crying, mama? Why were you so mean to that lady, mama?”

And all I could manage to get out was, “Jacob, that lady hurt mama’s feelings so I tried to hurt her back.”

I didn’t know what was worse: The fact that I let her “get to me,” or the fact that someone would actually block my path in order to point out that, hello, I HAVE ACNE and think that I’d actually be SO OKAY WITH IT THAT I’D FORK OVER A CREDIT CARD. Or even worse, my contact information and a promise to have a Mary Kay party.

AS IF.

**********

So tell me, did I overreact? In hindsight, I think I may have spewed a little too much acid. But honestly — being pulled aside AT THE MALL to discuss my acne problem with a complete stranger? I don’t even like talking about it with the LOML, let alone a Mary Kay consultant who has no idea what my story is.

And yes, that really WAS a prelude. There’s more to come. Because I actually DID see a doctor about my problem and I’ve got a few things to say about that as well. (Nice things, though.)

If this happens enough, I can have boobs just like hers.

Ever since I announced that I decided to become an enlyten™ distributor, I’ve endured my fair share of taunts. They’ve come from all angles: current Cookie Lee consultants who have never liked what I’ve written about the company, some Mary Kay-bots that I may have offended over at Pink Truth, and even some strangers who wished to remain anonymous while throwing tomatoes at me.

I get it. I totally get it. I’ve said some really horrible things about Cookie Lee and direct sales in general. Mostly because I believe that the Federal Trade Commission is correct when they say:

The FTC advises that multi-level marketing organizations with greater incentives for recruitment than product sales are to be viewed skeptically. The FTC also warns that the practice of getting commissions from recruiting new members is outlawed in most states as “pyramiding”.

When I joined enlyten™, I did it because the product worked for me. It still does too — I’ve lost over 15 pounds and 18 inches since I began taking their Appetite Suppressant and Calorie Burner strips. I wanted to share with everyone I know that there are better alternatives to diet pills, energy drinks, and over-the-counter sleep medications. (Even the LOML has enjoyed a major success: His doctor took him off of Lisinopril — medication to regulate his high blood pressure — after only 7 weeks of enlyten™ use. He’d been on Lisinopril for nearly 7 years.)

Anyway, I officially borrowed $350 from our house checking account to start with enlyten™. I used most of it to pay for my sign-up costs, and the rest to buy paper and ink and a few other miscellaneous supplies that I knew would help get me on my way. That was on June 11th.

By June 30th, I’d sold enough product to promote up one level, which earned me a bonus in addition to commissions on what I’d sold, all of which totaled around $190.  I never had to pack up my car or spend time away from my family to do it — I just did some basic marketing on Twitter and my Fatsanity blog, which directs interested parties to my enlyten™ website for the purchase.

Then yesterday, something AMAZING happened.

A complete stranger (not a Twitter friend or trusty blog reader) placed an order for $210 worth of strips. My commission on that purchase? 35%. Which means that by the end of this week, I’ll receive $73.50 direct-deposited into my enlyten account.

What was I doing when that stranger placed his order?

SLEEPING.

I wasn’t away from my family selling products at a home party, or trying to recruit new distributors at an event. Hell, I wasn’t even Twittering any of my new marketing materials or flyers from the comfort of my living room sofa.

I was SLEEPING.

When was the last time you made enough money to pay your cable bill while you were sleeping?

This is a good gig. One or two more orders and I’ll be able to pay back my initial investment.

With any luck, that will happen while I’m at the playground with my boys. Or while having my nails done.

Or sleeping.

What I've always thought a bowl of crow should look like. Sorry, Quaker.

Well, here’s the thing.

I’m not sure if I said that I’d never get back into direct sales. But I’m sure there’s enough evidence around here that would substantiate my abhorrence to the direct sales concept.

So, what happens when I change my mind a little?

Does shit hit the fan? Do pigs fly? Is hell freezing over?

Not so much, really.

While I still have a bitter taste in my mouth about going along with the myths associated with direct sales (“Make great money in your spare time,” “Only a few hours a week will pay one extra bill per month . . . ,” etc.), I’ve stumbled onto something that I just can’t let go of. Because it worked for me.

In fact, the products worked so well for me that I decided to sign on as an “Independent Distributor” for the company. You can read the whole story at my Fatsanity blog. (Because that’s were the information really belongs.)

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to do the whole “business builder” thing and start hunting people down in order to get them to buy whatever it is I’m selling. Because I’ve discovered that I genuinely like to participate in conversations. When I was in Cookie Lee, people avoided talking to me because they were afraid I was going to hit them up, or try to segue into a pitch to do a show. Sooo fake!

However, my hope is that people see the changes I’ve been seeing in myself, and ask the question, “What have you been doing?” THEN, I’ll be able to share information with them.

I won’t be posting information here about meetings, or “business opportunities,” or even ask people to “call me for free samples.” This is not the place for that.

I will, though, be putting a couple of links up in my sidebar.

And after that, I’ll be eating a big, FAT bowl of crow while watching pigs fly. Because “she who could only speak of direct sales while spitting fire” has thrown her hat back into the ring of multi-level marketing.

Did you ever think you’d see the day that would happen again?

Me either.