Mama Needs a Cosmo

I think I may have touched on this a year ago when my BFF had her baby, but I don’t believe that I got into the level of detail that I will reach today.

And by “detail,” I mean the stuff that usually makes women cringe and men vomit.

Why would I put anyone through this, especially new moms?

Because NO ONE ELSE TALKS ABOUT IT. I would have LOVED to know what I’m about to share with you seven years ago, as I waddled around aimlessly, ignorant of what would become the happiest and most unpleasant experience of my life. But I didn’t.

BECAUSE NO ONE TALKED ABOUT IT.

So, here I am. Talking about it. Or at least writing about it.

Anyway, this post is dedicated to Mr. Maddern and his beautiful, pregnant bride. Bride, I hope you’re reading this, because your man had NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER IN HEARING WHAT I HAD TO SAY. He wouldn’t let me talk about any of it. In fact, he threw me the old Dr. Evil “ZIP-IT.” So instead, I told him I was going to write this JUST for you and asked that he make the information available once I was done. Be not afraid. Mama’s got your back.

Okay.

There are TWO KEY FACTORS MISSING FROM ALL PREGNANCY BOOKS. They are as follows:

Number 1: Bribery WORKS. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.

Pack that hospital bag with at least three small gold boxes of See’s Truffles or a few gift packs of Mrs. Field’s Cookies. Make sure you distribute them evenly between the morning, swing, and night shift maternity ward nurses. In fact, if you’re in a place where you can hand them over when you check in, then that’s the time to do it. When I handed out mine, I said, “These are for you, because we love our nurses and we wanted to be sure you’re well taken care of.”

And they all went, “Aww-WWW! That’s so SWEET of YOU! No one EVER does this!” Then went back to their station and told the other nurses what we did. Then they went on to tell the NEXT shift’s nurses, which is why you need to bring some treats for everyone. Don’t learn this lesson the hard way (like a friend of mine did) and assume they’ll share with everyone. Sometimes they don’t. And then you’ll just have angry, jealous, cookie-free nurses on your hands. Not okay.

Anyhoo, giving the nurses a gift at the beginning of your stay (however long it may be) ensures that you get some special treatment (at least it did in my case). Rumor has it that it was the candy that got me my own room when I had Benny. I started out in a shared room, and then 90 minutes after we delivered the goods, I had my own digs.

Troy swears it was the bribery that got both sets of nurses (for Jake and Benny) to take the babies for long periods of time so we could sleep. Normally, they’ll take your baby to the big baby aquarium for an hour or two so you can rest. In our case, it was ME that had to ask for the baby back. (I didn’t breast feed, so that also could have been a factor.) One night, Jake’s nurse took him at 11:30pm and I didn’t see him until breakfast came at 7:00. It was the last good night’s sleep I’d get in a really long time.

Number 2: C-Section or Vaginal – You’re going to bleed either way.

I’ve got two words for you: DISPOSABLE UNDERWEAR.

Does that sound pleasant? No? Probably because THEY’RE NOT.

Here are two MORE unpleasant words: HOSPITAL PADS. Just the thought of them make me itch in all the wrong places.

I’ve had both a vaginal AND a C-section birth. And both times it felt as if I was having the worst period of my life after each delivery.

What happens is your uterus has to go back to the size that it was before childbirth, and it does this in a relatively small amount of time. So the pain that feels like really bad cramps is your uterus recovering from having something the size of a watermelon stretch it out.

And, while THAT’S happening, you’re also bleeding. A LOT.

And I knew that it would happen, because they at least MENTIONED it in “What Not to Expect When You’re Expecting.” But they didn’t write a whole lot about it, other than saying that I would be bleeding a lot and to (and I quote), “Grab a stack of pads and relax.”

No. Joke.

“Grab a stack of pads and relax.”

That was the extent of it.

There was no mention of bulky hospital pads, nor one word written about the itchy and scratchy disposable underwear.

Let’s talk about that for a minute.

Imagine something as small as the “Peds” that you have to shove over your toes and the bottom of your foot when you try on shoes actually having to stretch around your hips and nether region – both of which are swollen to 1.5 times their usual size because you’ve just given birth – and THEN trying to fit two-inch thick, three-inch wide, and twelve-inch long hospital pads inside them. Oh! And let’s also not forget the fact that they are FISH-NET. Seriously.

So there you are, all exhausted from giving birth, and all you want to do is sleep, and these tiny itchy pad-filled fish net “underwear” are cutting into your ass like your first thong. You try to “adjust,” but moving makes you feel like you’re going to bleed more, so you stop. Then a gush of blood confirms that yes, sometimes childbirth really IS like you see in the movies and that’s when you call your nurse crying because JESUS GOD ALMIGHTY all you want to do is close your eyes but you can’t because YOU JUST CAN’T GET COMFORTABLE in a fish-net thong two hours after having a baby.

All this is avoidable, though, with a quick trip to Target.

I went through the above experience with Jake the first night I was in the hospital. When I called the LOML the next day, I asked him to pick me up some Depends.

Yes, I said DEPENDS.

And I swear to GOD, that first pair felt as if I had put on a pillow full of sanitary softness.

Depends are meant to stretch and bend with you, and they are strong enough to keep in what needs to be kept in. I bled a LOT after I had Jake, and the Depends really helped. There was no shifting of pads, no itchy temporary underwear, and no more blood-stained clothes or sheets.

After a few days, when the bleeding let up, I moved to Depends bladder pads instead of regular pads. They are much more comfortable and are made to absorb significantly more than even the overnight-type pads.

When getting ready to have Benny, I simply told every nurse I could find that I didn’t want disposable underwear, and that I had brought some Depends with me. Their response? “Wow! Now THAT’S a GREAT idea!”

* * * * * * * * * *

SO, in summary, when shopping for things to put in your hospital bag, don’t forget to pick up a pack of Depends underwear and bladder pads. And See’s Candy (or cookies).

No one ever told me I needed that stuff. And I’m willing to bet no one ever told you either!

(And I really hope I didn’t scare you! This is just how I write . . .)