Posts Tagged ‘Benzilla’

The One With the Picture That Makes Everyone Think He’s All Sweet

Benny turned three in July.

And, poor little guy, he didn’t get a party or balloons or even a CAKE.

Because he’s the 2nd child. And second children get the shaft until they’re old enough to know better. And, not only that, but he’s ONLY THREE. All he cared about was that someone sang him the birthday song and gave him ice cream and a toy that made lots of noise.

Photo of three year old Benny, sharing ice cream with his daddy.

It looks like a tender moment, but what you don't see here is Benny flinging the spoon at his brother 10 seconds later.

03

08 2010

Striptease

The only thing Benny likes more than being naked is the process by which he takes off his clothes. Personally, I think this was his imitation of Mick Jagger.

04

02 2010

How A Toddler Eats a Hot Dog

Step One:

This is totally a facade. We tied Benny to a stake so he'd stay still long enough for this picture to be taken.

Look all cute and sweet and nice, so they’ll go, “Awww. Look who’s being a good boy.”

When you do this, grown-ups tend to not watch you so much. And then they’ll go back into the kitchen for a beer, or Daddy might play that weird “Dogpile on Mama” game you found them playing this morning, and leave you outside where all the uncooked food is.

Step Two:

Damn, that kid has big hands.

Snag the dog.

Never mind that it’s not cooked. There’s no funny additives or “pieces parts” in these things — nothing that needs to be heated all the way through. Maybe you can take it a step further and find some mud to dip it in.

Step 3:

benny-compressed-stand-259-x-194

If caught with stolen food, go back to what worked in Step 1. Smile and deny that you’ve done anything wrong and say something like, “What weenie?”

Step4:

hd-eaten-259-x-194

When you think you can’t eat anymore, put the stolen food back. They won’t even notice anything’s different.

09

04 2009

How to Give a Toddler a Black Eye

Benny is crying because I just told him the chair made his butt look big.

Benny is crying because I just told him that the chair he's wearing made his butt look big.

Benny is going through a phase where he insists on being right under my feet or right behind me. Constantly.

Which is WAY awesome when I’m frying bacon, boiling water, or vacuuming.

This morning before I left for work, I decided to do a 15-minute sweep of the house, picking up things that didn’t belong in one room and putting them where I thought they needed to be.

And Benny, true to form, was right behind me. But I didn’t know he was there.

So, imagine his surprise when I stopped and bent over (at the waist, sticking my big fat butt to a 90-degree angle) to pick up a toy in the hallway.

The noise I heard was pretty much indescribable. He did a face plant right into my ass and it propelled him three feet backward, causing him to fall flat on his back.

Tonight, his left eye will most likely be swollen and red. And I just realized that I have snot on the seat of my favorite work pants.

When I pick him up, I’ll be telling his day care provider that he ran into the patio table right after I sat on a snail. That’s a little more believable.

07

04 2009