Back Off!: Catfight at the Grocery Store

I know that yesterday was “‘What Into The Hell’ Wednesday,” but I’ve got another tick and a funny story about how I picked it off, and I couldn’t wait until next Wednesday to tell it.

My biggest pet peeve is with people who pop their gum. I’d rather eat foil and scratch my fingers down a blackboard at the same time than listen to someone pop their gum–suffice to say that it’s a sound that I loathe.

My second biggest pet peeve is with people who don’t respect my personal space. I don’t do well in the presence of a “close talker,” and don’t get me started on close-talking spitters.

Last night at the grocery store, I encountered someone who did both.

Sometimes when I’m grocery shopping without the boys, I choose to stand in the longest line for checking out. This gives me time to enjoy the opportunity of thumbing through the tabloids at a leisurely pace, without having to scream “put that down!” or “get back here!” or “I said no candy!”

But my choice to do this last night came with a price.

The woman who got in line behind me had been somewhat of a line jumper. She was in a hurry–not a good thing when most grocery stores are packed with the “after work” crowd at 6:00pm. And she picked MY line to stand and fidget and do her grumbling.

And pop her gum.

I tried to ignore it by diving into the George Clooney vs. Fabio updates, but I found myself reading the intro sentence over and over, with no retention.

Pop . . . pop . . . pop . . . And then came the cell phone call.

And while she was balancing her phone in one hand and doing whatever with the other, she managed to bump me with her basket. Hard. Four times.

OH. It was SOOO on.

The first couple of times, I used my butt to push the cart backwards. The third time, I looked back at her, but she was so engrossed in her cell phone conversation that she didn’t even see me. The last time, I gently moved the basket backwards, then stepped out from between my basket and hers, entering the “people go on this side” space and exiting the “baskets stay on that side” space. As I did this, I grabbed my purse, which also happened to be doubling as a tote bag and was filled with a bunch of items that I’d brought home from work. (I’ve got two words for you: LOADED and HEAVY.)

And as I waited for the diva behind me to get so close to me that I could feel her breath on my neck, I whipped my bag around onto my shoulder, and its forward motion knocked into her arm and forced the phone from her hand and onto the ground.

CosmoMama: 1           Gum-popping-space-invader: 0

As she gasped at me, I turned around, and with an unapologetic look on my face, I said, “Oh. I didn’t realize you were THAT close to me.”

Oohhh! Was she pissed!! But the folks behind her didn’t seem to mind my antics.

Right after my planned attack, it was my turn to check out, and by then she’d collected her phone and told whoever was on the other end that she was not very pleased with what I’d done. (Obscenities removed.)

I had to contain myself until I was inside of my car, and by then I was laughing so hysterically that I almost didn’t realize I’d put the car in reverse.

Like the title of my blog notes: I’m “trying” to take the high road, but I don’t necessarily do it all the time.

*Evil snicker*

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11 2007

11 Comments Add Yours ↓

The upper is the most recent comment

  1. Jerseygirl89 #

    Oh, that totally made my whole day. Awesome!

  2. Eaglehawk #

    Thank you for this, it put a smile on my face. I hate people like that.

  3. Connie #

    You are tooooo funny! That is what most people want to do, but don’t have the guts! :)

  4. Fern (M K van Bronkhorst) #

    Four cheers! Three ain’t enough. You Go Girl!

  5. Fashion Paramedic #

    A comment from my big brother. And you thought I was funny!

    Hey BlogLady …

    Since the discussion is grocery stores and pet peeves, did you put that thumbed tabloid back where you got it from? I have a tendency to do just that. When the person in front of me hurriedly shoves the Globe into the Good Housekeeping spot (because they realized the line moved like 9 minutes ago), I gently take it back out, press out all the creases and set it in its rightful spot. Oh, the reaction from other people including the guilty shover! Is that a Frank thing or what?

    The second one is the wannabe health nut who parks their cart in the middle of the aisle and stoops down to read the nutrition side of the label, blocking both directions of travel. Ew ick, is that cigarette smoke I smell? God forbid if you attempt to move that cart forward with a purse in it! Beeaatch!!

    Oh and I might add, you pick long lines on purpose. I pick the short ones that turn out long because of forgotten items, cracked eggs or bounced ATM cards. Can I get a price check please?

  6. Petula Wright #

    I love, love, love that you did that. I have the same pet peeve! I wish I had thought of it. However, where I live the lady probably would have swung at the back of my head or something.

    I loved this so much — especially the way you wrote it — I had to tell my teenager. She liked it too although I don’t think she was as happy when she realized I was storing it in my memory for the next time I’m at the store with a space invader.

  7. cfoley #

    too funny.

  8. 8

    Oh I so LOVE this post. You are horribly FABULOUS for that! LOL

  9. 9

    I love this! I get so annoyed at people who have to invade my personal space. I’ve learned to fart on command. If someone gets a little too close for comfort, I just let one out.

    They usually step back after a couple of minutes.

    Beckys last blog post..The Blahs

  10. 10

    OM Goodness!! LOL!! I love it…love it…love it!! This is soooo one of my pet peeves!! It happens often and sets me off. My husband thinks I’m crazy and when he can tell I’m about to get riled up he gets behind me to curb any violence about to occur. ;)

    It just happened to me again on Wednesday at the animal clinic while waiting to pick up my dog from surgery. I had to say something as well, though was much nicer (even though I didn’t want to be) and she still acted like I was the b****! THE NERVE!!! Can you see the steam coming out of my ears?!

    Thanks for sharing. Now I know I’m not neurotic…well, maybe I am, but I have company. Thanks again!!

  11. rusie99 #

    I love it. And the best part is that she looked at you like “How dare you, you inconsiderate…” When all the time, she was the inconsiderate one. I have actually done that before, too. Feels good


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