Frankenstory Friday: "The ‘Ya’ and the ‘Hoo’"

A few weeks ago, me and some of my family exchanged a barrage of emails about what I should call the stories that I share about our father. Originally, I’d called them “Frankisms.” But technically, a Frankism is a word or phrase, such as “scrumptiouslydeliciouslynutritiously,”or better yet, “What into the hell?

And my brother, being the comedic genius that he is, came up with “Frankenstories.”

So here, for your reading pleasure, is today’s Frankenstory.

My dad has two hobbies: creating the perfect football betting system, and creating the perfect horse racing betting system. He has repeatedly made the threat that when he dies, he will share these systems with all of his children so that we can become obnoxiously rich. I’m not sure why we have to wait until he dies, because I could really use some of that money right now.

Anyway, for as long as I can remember, my dad had been tweaking these systems using random mathematical equations, rulers, calculators, 234 cases of binder paper, and 1,972 cases of Natural Light.

About ten years ago, I decided to help him out by getting him a computer. The company I was working for at the time was getting rid of old machines, so I bought one for $50, loaded some internet software on it, and took it over to my dad on a Sunday afternoon.

And, after a marathon tutorial about how to use the internet (you can find anything on “Yahoo”), which sites were best for information on football and horse racing, and how to use e-mail, I returned to my house feeling quite proud of myself about taking a 70-year-old man into the 20th century.

The next day, he called me at work.

Now, I have to preface this by stating that my Dad never calls anyone. Ever.

So my immediate inclination was that something was wrong. Bad wrong. Because Dad never calls anyone. Ever.

I picked up the phone with one hand, then placed my elbow on the desk and cradled my forehead in the palm of my other hand, and said, “Dad?”

“Kathy! I’m looking at the ‘YAH,’ but I can’t see the ‘HOO’!”

“What?”

[Office team members now curiously watching me.]

“On the computer! When I turn it on, I can only see the ‘YAH,’ but the ‘HOO’ isn’t there! The ‘HOO’ is gone.”

[Here is where I began to laugh so hard, nothing came out, and all that my co-workers could see was me on the phone with my Dad, covering my eyes as my shoulders bounced. They were all really scared, because they thought I was crying. But I was just laughing hysterically.]

“Dad!” I said, trying to compose myself.

“Yep.”

“Look at the screen very carefully. Up in the right hand corner of the big rectangle that has the ‘YAH’ in it, you should see three small squares. One has a line in it. One has box in it. And one has a big ‘X’ in it.”

“Yeah. I see ‘em.”

“Take the mouse, point it at the one that has a box in it, and click on it.”

“Oh, the hell!”

“Did it work?”

“Yep. I can see the ‘HOO’ now!”

And then he just hung up. No “goodbye.” No “how is your day going.”

Just the ‘HOO.’

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29

02 2008

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  1. Lisa Lisa #
    1

    You can’t help but love that “Old Man”!

    From his loving granddaughter,
    Lisa :o)



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