Conversations With Jake: Penis Pockets

Yep. You read that right.

Today we’re going to address the big bad world of penis pockets.

Here’s a little background before I get to this awesome nugget of a story: Last summer, the LOML and I decided it was time for Jake to learn how to help with laundry. He helps me sort the clothes, put them in the washer, transfer them to the dryer, and then fold when it’s all done. So, he’s become familiar with the family’s wardrobe. Underwear in particular.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, when the LOML and I had an awesome date night. His mom took the boys overnight so we could enjoy ourselves into the wee hours of the morning — dinner, cocktails, movie, more cocktails and fun at home, and an eventual pass out for both of us at about 2:00am.

And, somewhere between “movie” and “more cocktails and fun at home,” I managed to lose my underwear.

I mean, I didn’t wake up without any on, per se. I woke up wearing A PAIR OF THE LOML’S UNDERWEAR.

I have no idea how that happened. Or why. (Well, I have a good idea of how and why, but the fact that we were both sauced has impaired my ability to remember the details.) But I figure it had something to do with our having some play time in the middle of the night, and when we were done I discovered that my underwear drawer was empty. So the LOML “lent” me a pair of his.

We woke up late the next morning, which left me no time to do any laundry. And I don’t like to fly commando.

So I took a shower, borrowed another pair of the LOML’s underwear, and headed out into the sunlight (nursing one hell of a hangover) to pick up the boys from grandma’s house. After which I would have to do some shopping with them.

And, of course, no shopping trip with the boys is complete without having to take a quick trip to the ladies’ room.

Now, you would have thought that after the last time I had to run to the bathroom with Jake and Benny in tow I would have learned my lesson and found a better way to at least get Jake turn around in the stall while I was doing my business. (I still keep Jake in the stall with me because I’m just too protective yet to let him wait for me outside the ladies’ room alone.) But, busy moms like me lack a good short-term memory. Couple that with the fact that I wasn’t feeling good (hangover) and was wearing a pair of the LOML’s underwear and you’ve got one perfect storm for a blog post in the making.

So we get into the stall (at Costco) and I try to get Jake to keep Benny busy by counting pretzels in Ziploc bag.

No dice.

Because within seconds, he saw them.

JAKE:  “Mama!”

ME:  “Shh shh shh. Keep counting pretzels.”

JAKE:  “But mama!”

ME:  “I said shh!

JAKE:  “Your underwear has a PENIS POCKET just like mine and daddy’s do!!!”

[Laughter from other stalls and sink area ensues and I can feel all of what was left of the color in my face draining.]

ME:  [Whispering loudly]  “Jacob! Shhh!

JAKE:  “Mama, I didn’t know you needed the penis pocket. Why do you need the penis pocket? YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A PENIS. Girls have a VAGINA.”

I had visions of all the women in the bathroom gathering around our stall to hear what I was going to say next. I can’t imagine what they were thinking . . . but the first thing that came to mind was them thinking I was a tranny.

And then I couldn’t think of a thing to say. I got beat down by a 6-year-old. And everyone knew it. So, I gathered what was left of my pride and said:

“Jacob, that’s not a ‘penis pocket,’ that’s where mama puts her money.”

The laughter that broke out confirmed my fear that everyone REALLY HAD been gathered around the stall to hear what I’d say next. So, to save face, I owned up to my son and told him the truth:

“No, sweetie. I’m just kidding. Mama was out of underwear this morning so she borrowed some of daddy’s.”

And I’m not kidding you. Within two seconds of me getting those words out, he came back with:

“Well, try not to get as much poop in those underwear as daddy does. I hate doing daddy’s laundry.”

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01 2010

5 Comments Add Yours ↓

The upper is the most recent comment

  1. 1

    LOL that’s pushing the envelope of borrowing your spouse’s clothes.
    .-= Marvin´s last blog ..Gary Numan, "That’s Too Bad" =-.

  2. 2

    Very funny. At least you know where to go if you need ideas for your blog – COSTCO! more specifically, restrooms at Costco. With Jake!

  3. Teresa #

    I really enjoyed the Penis Pocket story. I must pass it on to my sister, who has 3 girls, ages 4, 5, and 7. I am sure she can commiserate.

  4. Nikki #

    Yes, my sister is right…I can relate! Very funny story.

  5. rusie99 #

    Ok, crying right now because I am laughing so hard. I have an 8 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. I understand about the protective mom thing and bringing them into the bathroom and when my son was about 6, I would bring him in the stall but force him to face the door and hold his head that way by force just to make sure he didn’t sneak a peek. He is just WAAAAY too curious. Now, he waits outside cause he is too old to come in. Love it though

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