Are You McFrickin’ Kidding Me?

This segment of “‘What Into The Hell’ Wednesday” is inspired by a story told to me by someone near and dear to my heart. This person shall remain anonymous, and the story has been blanched a bit (for obvious reasons).

We’ve all got our gripes about McDonald’s and some of their policies. But I’ve never seen anything written about this one subject in particular—which actually covers any fast food chain with a drive-thru.

Many of us have been behind one of “these” at some time or another, so I’ve composed this letter with you in mind:

An Open Letter to the Lurid, Obnoxious, and Unprepared Diva in Line Ahead of Me at the McDonalds Drive-Thru:

Dear Lurid, Obnoxious, and Unprepared Diva (Hereinafter referred to as “LOUD”):

I am writing to you because you are most likely unaware of your insufferable behavior and parental inadequacy, and it’s high time that someone calls it to your attention.

For starters, do you think it might be possible to put your cell phone down long enough to pull forward when the line moves, so that those of us who have been waiting behind you in drive-thru lane #1 for 15 minutes don’t get bypassed by those who just pulled up to drive-thru lane #2?

(Hey . . . wait a minute. You’re beginning to look awfully familiar. Didn’t I knock that phone out of your hand a few weeks ago?)

Anyway, I’m also wondering if you could perhaps keep your car/mini-van/SUV full of children safe from harm (not by you, but by other drivers) by showing them how to put on a seat belt? Maybe then you wouldn’t have to keep telling (yelling at) them to “sit their asses down” so much if they were in their proper restraints.

Now, I may be going out on a limb here, but I think it’s safe to say that you’ve probably been to a McDonald’s drive-thru a few times in your life prior to this visit. So, you should already know that the menu options haven’t changed much, the value meal numbers are pretty much the same, and the McNugget sauces are still relatively what they were when McNuggets were placed on to the McDonald’s menu about 25 years ago.

Why is it, then, that you can’t think to ask your car/mini-van/SUV full of children what they want BEFORE you get to the speaker box? This would inevitably make your trip to McDonald’s go faster (and less unbearable for us non-LOUDs, since I—and even the guy in the Escalade three cars behind me with his windows rolled up—can’t stand to listen to you screaming at your kids to hurry up and tell you what they want).

But I digress. It’s time for you to pay for your food.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but you may have wanted to figure out before you made the trip down here exactly how much money you really had with you. Because, it seems as though everyone in line except for you is aware that you’ve just placed a huge order for yourself, whoever may still be on the other end of that phone, and a car/mini-van/SUV full of children. A twenty isn’t going to cover it.

But, being the LOUD that you are, you didn’t bring enough money with you. Now, you have to turn around and ask everyone in the car/mini-van/SUV what they can live without so the money that you do have will cover everything.

Meanwhile, as you yell at your kids and negotiate the balance of your order, the rest of us non-LOUDs are now turning off our engines and pouring water into our radiators because we’ve been idling for so long that our motors are overheating. (Not to mention the fact that we’ve been in line behind you for so long that our kids have outgrown the toys in their Happy Meals and the McDonald’s employee at the 2nd window—you know, the one that keeps looking out the window at you—now qualifies for Social Security.) Just thought I’d point that out to you.

Now that you’ve finally made it to window #2, is there any specific reason that you have to give back one bag of food for every two bags that you’re handed? There’s no way that the employee got the order wrong. You screamed it into the speaker, repeated it, scaled it down, and repeated it again. Even the guy in the Escalade three cars behind me knows what you ordered.

What into the hell?!?

Look. I know this is a lot for you to take in. So, in case you didn’t understand what I was trying to tell you, I’ll be more blunt:

Get your sorry self together. You shouldn’t even be in the drive-thru anyway. Park that car/mini-van/SUV and drag your lazy butt inside if you’ve got a special order for fifteen people. You’d have honked your horn and screamed at me if I had done this to you.

Oh! And that noise that you just heard? That was the applause as we all watched you drive off. And no, it’s wasn’t applause FOR you.

Thank you, and have a McWonderful day.

Respectfully Submitted,

Fashion Paramedic

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02 2008

7 Comments Add Yours ↓

The upper is the most recent comment

  1. Pete #

    I couldn’t have put it better myself! All the while I thought I was the only person in the world unfortunate to get stuck behind this wench.

    You’ll be happy to hear that I’m opening my own McDonald’s restaurant, and, in stark contrast to most fast food places, which put a timer on the drive-through crew inside, my restaurant is putting a timer on the customers. Should they exceed their allotted time, a giant boxing glove bashes their car laterally out of line, conveniently making way for the person behind to proceed.

    I’ll drop you a line when we open!

  2. Fashion Paramedic #

    Pete!! You have made my McDay. I love it!!

  3. Modern Mama Diana #

    ohhhhh, i have beeeeeenn there! lol Although I drive a minivan myself, I make sure I don’t do those things. lol My sister says she hates getting behind a minivan at the drivethrough for that very reason. Great post!

  4. LizetteKnowsBest #

    I love your blog!

  5. Julia #

    OHMYGOD! I was behind this same stupid, stupid woman the other day. It was all made so much worse by the fact that I had curlers in my hair and wanted to spend as little time out in public as possible.

    Great post! And thanks for including me in your esteemed blog roll.

    JD at I Do Things

  6. Corrina #

    Wow. I was irritated with her just by reading about her! I’ve always wished that my car had a huge, strong (but somewhat cushioned) bumper so that I could just ram people like that out of my way.

  7. 7

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