The Baby Shower Gift That She Doesn’t Know She Wants . . .
Awww. They're so . . . not useful.
I have had, and have attended, my fair share of baby showers.
And while I know what it’s like to be six-months pregnant, waddling around Target with the registry gun and scanning anything associated with baby poop, baby spit-up, and baby feeding, most rookie-moms-to-be never realize what they genuinely need is located on the same aisle where raised toilet seats are sold.
So the customary ritual of printing out what the new mommy has registered for, buying a few things from the list (or collecting $20 bucks from a few friends to get a “big item”), and then anxiously anticipating her unwrapping what you purchased is completely fine. If you like to do what everyone else does.
I like to be a little more . . . MacGyver-ish, I guess you can say.
It all started when I was in the hospital after I had Jake. The whole experience was painful — pushing out an 11-pound baby, being forced to stay in the hospital for three days because I tested positive for Group B Strep, fighting with the “La Leche Nazis,” nurses, and lactation specialists to get a 2-oz bottle of formula, and the fact that the idiot doctor who delivered my baby let me tear from stern to stem instead of giving me an episiotomy.
Before I checked into the hospital, I knew that I’d need my fair share of Preparation H from all the pushing. But I was totally unprepared for the postpartum bleeding dam to open and the flow to come so hard that it would creep up my back when I slept. And what did I have to defend myself against this river of discontent? Temporary underwear and hospital maxi-pads.
Have you ever worn temporary underwear?
They’re kind of like the little, itty-bitty nylons you put on when you try on shoes at Nordstrom. You look at them and think, “Uh, yeah. Like those are going to fit over my feet”
Only these cruel inventions are made of sandpaper woven into a fishnet pattern and stretched to the breaking point over your swollen crotch and post-baby fat ass.
Then, you’re supposed to strategically fasten two or three hospital maxi pads inside them so you can pretend to catch what mother nature is pushing out.
I did that. For about a day.
Then I sent the LOML down to Walgreen’s for some Depends. And I swear to God on my boys today, it was like sitting on a pillow of cotton balls compared to what I’d been using 24 hours before.
A few years later, when I packed my hospital bag for my trip to have Benny, I made sure that I included a generous supply of Depends undergarments, Depends pads, witch hazel, and an ice pack. (Because soaking your hoo-hah in ice water isn’t doable in a hospital.) Oh yeah, and because I knew some of the nurses at the hospital where I was to stay, I also packed some small boxes of See’s Candy Truffles to use as bribes to get more medication. (It works!)
So, how does one wrap and present such . . . “gifts”?
Here’s what I did last month for my BFF:
- I bought a package of Depends undergarments, Depends pads, witch hazel pads, and “Cool Gel” Preparation H.
- I wrote small notes and taped them to each item. (i.e., for the undergarments, I wrote, ‘Tell every nurse with a pulse that you want to wear these after you have the baby.”; for the witch hazel pads and Preparation H, I wrote, “Put these in the refrigerator for extra-special relief.”)
- I packed everything into a large gift bag
- On the gift bag, I placed a note that read, “For the mama-to-be to open AFTER the shower . . . preferably at home.” Because no one in attendance will coo and “awww” over a jumbo pack of adult diapers.
Her reaction?
“DUDE! I must have read two dozen birth and parenting books and not ONE mentioned or recommended ANY of these things! This is frickin’ BRILLIANT!” But, I knew she was lying. She’s read at least 50 birth and parenting books.
Anyway, was the “gift” unconventional? Yes. Necessary? Abso-frickin-lutely.
06
04 2009
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The work I do from 8 to 5 involves saving lives.
I did the same for a friend of mine but she instisted on opening it at the shower and the only person that got was her mother in law! She came up to me afterwards and patted my arm saying *so glad she has a least one useful friend*!
That is absolutely the most perfect gift! Women who haven’t been through it have NO idea! Yes, it’s glorious and all to have a new little one, but the three days recovery after- are just horrid and gross!
I was lucky to never need the Prep H but could have defiantly used the depends. That is such a great idea. My advice to any one who is lactating and leaking like crazy is to buy a package of preemie diapers and cut them in half and insert them in your bra, this worked so well. Also, Victoria Secret has this body tape that you can use over the nipples – works great! The only thing with this is that you may become engorged.
Oh. My. Goodness. I just have to add this to my list of things that will go into the ‘hospital bag’ for the impending arrival of BabyW! And then I wish I could have one of your cosmos because I’m hyperventilating at the thought of having to deal with idiotic hospital staff if I have to go through the same ordeal as you…. 11 pounds- are you serious? I can’t even lift an 11 lb bowling ball- props to you Mama!
First-that is one hurkin’ baby. I tip my hat to you madam.
Secondly, I don’t think anyone is really prepared when they have their first baby. With our oldest I had FOUR labor bags I took with me….none of which contained a hairbrush. Now that I’m having our third I’m bringing a camera, lipgloss, one outfit for me and one for the baby, and some magazines. Seriously. Depends and witch hazel are nice though-when I told my sister(who just had her first baby two weeks ago) to go get some she thought I was crazy. Now she thinks I’m a magical genius. LoL.
I’m wondering if Marvin made it past… “But I was totally unprepared for the postpartum bleeding dam to open and the flow to come so hard that it would creep up my back when I slept. …” HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
My mom phoned just a couple of days ago to announce my cousin was pregnant. I put together an “S.O.S.” bridal briefcase for her when she got married, i.e., hairspray, pins, shooters, miniature sewing kit, shooters, camera, tampons, shooters, nail file, shooters, shooters) You get my drift. She’s a V.O.N. (person who goes into homes to take care of aged and sick patients). I figured she could keep it in her truck after she was married because she’s on the road all the time and may need stuff. ANYWAY…. this is an excellent idea. I think I may put together a birthing S.O.S. bag for her.
Actually, mama, I thought you were going to say that you converted your gift into a “diaper cake”. http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Diaper-Cake
hee-hee-hee
Wow. You’re a flippin’ genius! God bless women like you who share the *real* wisdom that no one else does. Your BFF is lucky indeed.