Archive for the ‘Love and Marriage’Category

It’s Because of Technology that Conversations Like This One Happen in My House

ME (to the LOML): “Babe, can you get me a notebook?”

LOML: “What the hell do you want a notebook for? You’ve got a laptop, an iPad, a Nook, and every other friggin piece of technology known to man…now you want a notebook?”

ME: “I need to write something down. I’m asking you for what normal people call 70 pieces of ruled paper bound together with a piece of spiral metal. And a pencil, if it’s not too much trouble.”


09 2011

Coach’s Wife

The minute I knew I’d be a Coach’s Wife forever came almost two years ago when my husband returned home from his first practice. The gig: First Grade Little Dribblers Basketball.

ME: “So, how’d it go?”

LOML: “Oh. My. GOD! It was like . . . like . . . Ohmygod. There’s this one kid. And he’s like, I don’t know, supertall. And he’s like . . . like . . . OhmyGOD hon, I think KOBE is trapped in this little kid’s body!”

ME: “Okay, so, you’ve got one kid on your team.”

LOML: “Shut up.”

But I knew. I KNEW.

He was hooked.

And then at the first game, I saw first hand how it would always be with him.

He felt the pain and disappointment of every missed shot. And the joy and excitement of every basket and free throw made. He was like a visual equalizer, bouncing and moving to the pulse of the team.

Even the parents in line at the snack bar could see it. It was an “away” game, so they didn’t know him personally. Behind me, I overheard one parent said to another, “That coach is friggin’ HILARIOUS. Dude’s all covered in sweat and shit from being all over the friggin’ court.” And then the other parent said, “Dude’s gettin’ the shit done, though. Hell he’s motivatin’ ME and I ain’t even a player!”

Fast forward to October 2010.

Jake was still smack in the middle of football season when the LOML decided to coach basketball again.

New school. New team. New drama. (Yes, there’s drama with 2nd grade basketball.) And even though there was a point during the season when I had to physically keep him from going after a parent who picked a fight with him not once, but TWICE in a span of 5 minutes (in addition to using profanity in front of Benny), he STILL maintained he was having the time of his life. Most of the team’s parents also maintained that if it weren’t for Troy (and his awesome assistant coaches), they probably wouldn’t have signed their kids up to play.

And at the end of basketball season, I settled in to what I thought would be a nice break before football when he got a request to coach little league.

And all I can say about THAT is I hated that he chose to do it, but glad he did it. If that makes sense at all.

Two weeks after the last baseball game, we signed Jake up for football. At the same time,Troy submitted his application for a coaching position on Jake’s team. A few days after that, he got a call to meet with the head coach.

When he returned home, I could tell he seemed disappointed.

“They’ve got too many apps for Jake’s team. The guy wants me to coach up one level because they need more people up there. I think he’s worried that I’ll let being Jake’s dad get in the way of coaching the rest of the team.”

And, after much discussion, we came to the conclusion that it was all or nothing – either coach Jake’s team, or take a seat in the stands.Troy called the coach to let him know, and that was the last we had heard of it.

In the mean time,Troy continued to toss the ball around and run drills with the boys in the front yard, getting Jake ready for the upcoming season.

Then yesterday, after I returned home from the grocery store, the LOML said, “What’s for dinner? Coach is HUNGRY.”

It only took a second for me to realize what he was telling me.

He got the job.

ME: “Wait . . . What?!!”

LOML: “Yep! I’ll be an assistant. Probably O-Line.”

And then he smiled. And his blue eyes did that thing that they always did when he knew he’d be coaching.

Father and son playing football in front yard.


ME, to Benny: “What’s mama’s name?”

BENNY: “Kaftheen.”

ME: “And what’s daddy’s name?”

BENNY AND JAKE [Together, in unison]: “Coach.”


07 2011

Wait . . . THAT’S What You Called Me About?

Here is a list of things that, over the course of the past few weeks, the LOML accidentally on purpose forgot to tell me about:

  1. Benny fell off of the back of the couch ONTO THE TILE FLOOR.
    “Oh, yeah. You may want to keep an eye on him because I didn’t EXACTLY see the fall, but it sounded awful. He could have a concussion, but his eyes look okay and he seems to be playing okay. What’s for dinner?”
  2. I got a parking ticket. TWO MONTHS AGO.
    “I’ll just get work to cover it. But we need to pay it by tonight or else we’ll have to pay a penalty. And then I can just turn in the receipt.” (I’m still waiting for the reimbursement…)
  3. I kind of, sort of, maybe volunteered you to help with the Jr. Pee Wee website. Why do you ask? I bet you someone said something at practice . . . I was supposed to tell you a couple of weeks ago. My bad.
    “Okay, so they don’t actually HAVE a website. But you built one for the school, right? How hard can it be to do it again? I mean, really?”
  4. I found Benny at the sink, washing off your phone.
    “You know, I meant to say something to you when I called you today, but then your phone cut out and I forgot . . .”
  5. You don’t have to Febreeze Jake’s (football) pads.
    “What are you doing? You should just be throwing those in the wash. Oh, wait. It was me who said you should take them out before washing them, huh? But then I asked the team mom about it and she said to just throw the pants and girdle in the wash with their pads inside. But you can still Febreeze the shoulder pads. How long you been doing that, anyway?”

I know, right?

But here’s why I bring all this up:

Today he CALLED ME AT WORK. A rare occasion, which usually means something is wrong or that he has to work late. Just to clarify, HE called ME.

And it wasn’t that he got in a crash or someone died or was on his way to the ER because Benny had finally broken a bone.


“What? Are you okay? What’s the matter?”

“I just saw the trailer for the new Resident Evil movie. It looks [sing-songy] SA-WEEEEEET!”


“Yeah, I know, huh?! I didn’t know either. I’m TOTALLY going.”

“I’m hanging up now.”


The LOML frying piroshkis at the 2010 Holy Cross Festival

Just look at him. How can you stay mad at that face?


On This Day In History, My Life Changed Forever. Twice.

Dear LOML:

Sixteen years ago today, I emptied my closet and freaked out because I didn’t think anything I owned was good enough to wear on our first date.

Sixteen years ago today, you kissed me on that country bar dance floor, and I knew that you were “THE ONE.” I told everyone I knew that you were HIM, but no one believed me. Because people who meet in country bars (or bars in general) don’t ever stay together longer than three months.

Sixteen years ago today, I didn’t want the night to end. Because I thought I was dreaming. And I thought that when I woke up, I’d still be stuck in an abusive relationship.

Ten years ago today, you made having breakfast with you every day a legal requirement for me. You had six years to think about what you were getting yourself into, but you did it anyway. And then you even allowed my family on our honeymoon.

Ten years ago today, you made me the happiest woman on the planet.

Ten years ago today will always be one of my favorite memories.

Because ten years ago today led to Jake, and then Benny.

You are the best husband that a girl like me could ask for.

Happy 10th Anniversary, Sweetie.

My two, seven, and thirty-eight year old boys.


04 2010

The BEST Mother’s Day Weekend EVER!

First of all, I need to send a HUGE shout out to all you SINGLE PARENTS out there.

When the LOML goes out of town, the boys are very much aware that they have me outnumbered. Add to that the fact that I now work 20 miles in the opposite direction from where Jake goes to school and where Ben’s day care provider lives, and you’ve got one very burned-out mama headed for the liquor aisle at Costco.

So, I have a new-found respect for anyone who has to raise their kids alone (not that I didn’t respect them before). I had the luxury of the LOML returning home Friday night after being gone for only one week. Single parents selflessly suck it up day in and day out, and some even go to school on top of it all. I honestly don’t know how you do it.


My awesome weekend began Thursday evening. While making dozens of new friends at the 1st Annual Mom’s Night Out, I was the lucky winner of a pink VADO pocket video camera from the wonderful ladies at and

Then my week as a single parent came to an end when the LOML returned from Minnesota on Friday night. (But only for a few hours, since he got in at 11:30pm and then promptly left at 5:00am to take an all-day exam.) At least he was home.

On Saturday morning, the boys and I spent a few hours at Sacramento’s Fairytale Town and Funderland. And I was instantly reminded why I decided to have kids. You know you’re doing something good when you can get your children to laugh like this:

Benzilla's 'Mona Lisa' Smile. God knows he's hiding the devil behind that grin.

Benzilla's 'Mona Lisa' Smile. God knows he's hiding the devil behind that grin.

Quite possibly the coolest picture I've ever taken of Jake. When was the last time YOU smiled like that?

Quite possibly the coolest picture I've ever taken of Jake. When was the last time YOU smiled like that?

Later that day, the LOML and I had the privelige of dropping the boys off at his mom’s house for an over-nighter. NO BOYS FOR 24 HOURS. The activities for the night shall remain confidential, although I did spend part of the evening with a half-naked Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds.

Then this morning, after being allowed to sleep in until 9:00am, I received this direct message on Twitter:

plumkeeper: Congrats! Your tweet won the “Moms Tweet” contest. Pls send an email to . . . with name, address, phone #.

Hell. F-ing. YEAH!!

The iTouch that I’d worked so hard for was officially mine! I earned it too, considering I spent the week soliciting votes via Facebook and Twitter (and at work, and from my family . . . ) I do have to say, though, that I was genuinely surprised that I won, considering some of the other quotes were laugh-out-loud funny and gave me some serious competition!

So . . . a free Vado, fun with the boys, a night alone with the LOML, and a free iTouch.

Is it selfish of me to hope I nab that Wii too?


05 2009