Wednesday, March 10
Dear Diary: What a great day! The LOML & I took the boys to BJ’s for a splurge dinner and had an awesome time. After wiping down our table (it was a little dirty) we ordered our food and colored and the boys put their napkins around their head and pretended to be princesses. Oh! And Jake didn’t back up their toilet either! Mama also got to see her favorite bartenders. After dinner we told stories, had a bath, and then went to bed.
That blur is the closest thing we get to Benzilla being still at dinner time.
Thursday, March 11
Dear Diary: Uh, what into the hell? I woke up with MAJOR CONTACT DERMATITIS. My hands were so swollen that I could barely bend my fingers! What could I have touched? Who knows. Have to go to work, so, I took some Benadryl and headed out.
If Princess Fiona was human, this is probably what her hands would look like.
Tried to have a normal morning but when one of the staff doctors got wind of what my hands looked like he sent me to a local urgent care facility to have my ring cut off. Apparently when there’s no blood circulating through your hand you can lose a finger. Imagine that!
Okay, so here’s the before picture:
It's like I pressed a button and all of the sudden my ring got five sizes too small.
And here’s the ring after the physician’s assistant sawed it off. It took two sets of forcepts to bend that sucker enough to get around all the swelling.
That's three generations of gold, platinum, and diamonds. All cut up and bent like a dime store prize ring.
And this is what my hand looked like afterward. When the physician’s assistant saw my hand, he exclaimed, “Whoa! That TOTALLY needed to come off, didn’t it! Wow . . . one or two more hours and we’d have had some serious damage. Seeer-eee-usss damage. Good thing you came in when you did!!” And my immediate reaction was to run like hell and never come back since the physician’s assistant was starting to sound a little too much like he was having an excellent adventure. I ran so fast that I forgot to get a cortisone shot. I’m such a dumb ass sometimes, aren’t I, diary?!
Friday, March 12
Dear Diary: Okay. This is totally getting old. After having a total blast at Red Robin (yum!), and after packing everyone up in the truck, I notice a grape-sized welt behind my right ear. Then I looked down at my hands, and saw more red spots. And then I realized they were itchy and swollen again!! WHAT INTO THE HELL?!! So I had the LOML drive me to a nearby Med7 for a cortisone shot and get all this crap taken care of. I have no idea what I touched. Let’s see . . . we wiped the table down, had onion rings, had burgers, paid the bill . . . am I newly allergic to onions? No . . . then my throat would be swollen too. Maybe I’m newly allergic to thermal image paper and should have the LOML start paying for everything. Hmm.
I’ve got no photos to share from the Med7 visit, since the physician’s assistant there had the pleasure of having to see my naked butt in order to give me a cortisone shot. And he was not up to taking a picture of THAT for Facebook. Trust me. I asked.
Saturday, March 13
Dear Diary: MYSTERY SOLVED! While at the furniture store, I noticed that my hands, again, were full of red spots and starting to swell. Moreso my RIGHT hand than my left. Then I realized what the common thread was in all of this: HUGGIES WIPES!! Remember?! At BJ’s, I wiped down the table (then my hands, then Benny’s hands). At Red Robin, I wiped down the table (then my hands, then Benny’s hands). And today, the only thing I’d done before heading out was change Benny’s diaper. It HAD to be the wipes! Oh! And this is what my hand looked like this time:
Dude! I am so totally allergic to my kids!
Okay, so maybe I’m not allergic to my kids (as my cousin suggested). Nor am I allergic to dining out (although that could probably save us about $75 a month). But I will tell you this: After telling the LOML that, until we switched out ALL of the wipes in the house, HE’D be doing all the diaper changing, it took him less than 20 minutes to find some hypoallergenic fragrance free dye free wipes. Damn that Walgreens for being open 24 hours . . .
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One more thing – in my previous post, I mentioned that I’d be discussing the details about my illness that kept me in bed for most of last week (after a visit to the ER, two I.V. bags, a mondo shot of Tramadol, and a cat scan, the doctors determined it was either a really bad case of the stomach flu or gastroenteritis. It’s been 13 days and I’m STILL experiencing some of the more, let’s say, “unpleasant” effects). Anyhoo, after writing it all out, re-working it, re-reading it, and editing some more, I realized it wasn’t all that funny. And I wanted it to be funny. So I scrapped it.